ON PUBLIC PROPOSALS: HOW TO SPARE YOURSELF THE RIDICULE OF YOUR VILLAGE PEOPLE

Love comes with it a fair measure of foolhardiness; at some point, depending on the varying stages of infatuation, every lover has played the fool. Think of the time you threw yourself in harm’s way, traveled miles, defied or lied to your parents, spent recklessly, all for the purpose of sustaining or kindling the fires of romance. Some have spent school fees, rent, forfeited budding careers, borrowed inordinate sums of money, all for love's sake. But maturity and a better interpretation of humans and the world we live in have spared many of us the aftermath of heedless decisions taken in haste or in heat—those moments conji brought out the bastard in you. 

I followed the ridicule that came after the woman who proposed to her boyfriend in Shoprite and I thought, These people will not understand. The things love will make you do! But it also raises the question of staging public proposals. The invitation of the public to watch you make a spectacle of yourself before the object of your affection. And these proposers always choose malls, clubs and airports, where in a matter of seconds, a crowd whips up to cheer on you and your boo—except in Naija where people don’t really send you and may even hiss and look away from the sight of your foolishness. Dreamers and romantics call it faith, an unflinching confidence that you will not be turned down by the one you love in the public of igwemmadu. But pessimists like my friend, Onyenaturuchi will thump their pointed noses and call it a silly staged performance, a presumptuously daring sham: “What happened to the privacy of their bedrooms or inside their cars?” But I am quick to remind her that there are those who have never seen their boyfriend’s bedroom or been inside his car or even seen his dross. 

I for one may flee if someone knelt before me in public. I am too diffident to be coerced into a putting up appearances (Bobo, take note). But I do not agree with trollers who called the Shoprite woman desperate. Men do it everyday…and some get turned down. News has it that a few moments ago a boy in a private university went buck wild when his girlfriend said no. It is the risk you take when you want to do something that temerarious, and with what I know of Nigerian men, even the wokest of them do not want to be proposed to. Their egos are too brittle, fuelled by a thousand filling stations that they would rather faint than say, Yes I will marry you. In public.

The idea that anyone in a relationship—man or woman—can propose marriage may read well in a feminist text but in real life, many are not catching on quickly with the idea. A man is still the pursuer and the woman, the pursued. Maybe the upcoming generation would degenderize these roles and both man and woman would be armed with guts to pop the question. But right now, it is still an uncomfortable sight to see a woman go down on one knee. And definitely not in Naija. Not in Shoprite.

Yet I applaud the girl’s bravery and I understand her temerity. But the ridicule of public rejections can be avoided if we—men and women—took time to understand our lovers’ body language. The sixth sense, if well trained, can smell rejection. You can tell when someone is not that into you or when he is not ready to cross over to the fairer side of Jordan where eternal conjugal bliss is promised. You can tell. Though it may be hard to read the mind of a lover like a map and see where “this is going”, do not ignore the nudge, do not turn a deaf ear to the utterances, a blind eye to the attitudes; these will serve as neon signs in dark nights.

And I cannot wait to see the end of public proposals. It is a trend that has lingered too long. Guys, get a room! Spare yourself the ridicule of your village people in case Bae says no. There are even coded ways to do these things:

Example 1: My mother says you can come and see my people. Time is going.

Example 2: I cannot be cooking for you free of charge like this o. This is the duty of a wife.

Example 3: In case you don’t have money, I will lend you the bride price. Pay me back after the wedding.

DISCLAIMER: I have never tried these methods; don’t call me if they fail you.

I know diffidence in women is what feminism aims to wipe out. It drives to put the wielding powers of a relationship in the hands of the man and the woman. But till we see the first Nigerian guy that says yes to his chick’s proposal, let's just rest the idea for now.