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Monday, June 3, 2013

Portrait Of My Ideal Man



I would begin with what he wouldn’t be.
No metrosexual. There are things I would not share with my man. My relaxer, my nail hardener, my lip gloss. There is only one woman between us and it’s not him. All I require is his cleanliness: let the shirt be crisp and the pants be ironed; let his hair lie low and his breath be fresh. Can his nails be well manicured? Can he wear cologne and can he please shine his shoes? These would suffice, my darling, thank you very much. Leave the titivating and fusing over a pimple and pouting in front of the mirror for me. That way, we would not suffer any confusion when we are out in public and another man ogles and winks. I want to know who he is ogling and winking at: my man or I?

He'd be no burgeoning artist of any kind;in music, in writing, in photography or in arts.
I have met no vainer people than young artists (of which I am chief). They hug the spotlight and are unwilling to share their little fame. I can't stand the gaudiness of an upcoming artiste and  the forceful vocabulary of the young writer(don't sweat it, you mustn't sound like Soyinka).I can't stand the misfiring jokes of the new comedian when we are out on a date and I can't stand the touchiness of the young artist who thinks it's a mortal sin that I don't like his painting. I have my own vanity to deal with and I can't bear the brunt of another's.
But supposing he has a stint with the arts, say the literati, let him be a writer gone past the beginner's stage, who would help bring me crash-landing to earth when I get lost in the thoughts that I am the best thing to happen to the literary world since Shakespeare. That way, he would save me cost of finding an editor,by calling shoddy work what it is: shoddy work. Or he could be a devoted lover of the written word without knowing a fig about how to string words together, just as I get goose bumps listening to good music without knowing the hows. Let him be of the school of thought that  writers should be the next beings to be revered after spirits. That kind of guy that introduces you with awe in his eyes, "Do you know my chick is a writer? Like seriously, she writes."

Now here comes what he should be.
Let him be a jealous man. Jealousy here doesn’t indicate over-possessiveness. No, don't put up a fist fight over me in public. But let him notice I have been grinning ever since I got a call from that former class mate. Notice my glee when I am about to have a sleep-over with the girls. Notice the guys flirting shamelessly. Don't notice and keep mum. Notice and vocalize. Nothing turns me off than a nonchalant lover.

He should be a liberal man.  In simpler terms, he should possess a ‘chop-my-money’ mentality. I am no leech but I am among millions of women world over who enjoy being lavished on while still feeling the warmth of their own money in their pocket. You are my man, aren’t you? I am not asking you to hold-up a bank. If you get caught, I will deny you more than three times. All I ask is, with the much you have, don't hoard. Wasn't I sitting quietly at my corner and you came professing your interest? Show yourself liberal and I’d be simply devoted to you.

Let him be a praying man. The beauties and virtues of a praying woman have been so extolled. But I too want a praying man, so that when I am too tired to importune deity, all I have to do is throw my legs on him and 'tap anointing' while he kneels by the bedside.

Age is not a factor to fuss about. If he is my mate, OK. Older? Beautiful. But younger? Well, well, well.  I am too proud to be a cougar and I cannot stand the atmosphere of uncertainty surrounding them,(Demi Moore as case study) .


So in return what do I have to offer? I shall do well to inform him now that I am not endowed. Endowed in the sense of our artistes and how they portray 'endowments' in their music videos. I am proudly unendowed.  All I can brag of is that I am 5’5 with a remarkable face and well chiseled dentition.  But do not be discouraged; what I lack in size, I make up for in wit and grace. And as time flies, grace becomes more endearing, wit becomes wisdom. But for endowment, you cannot know and should not bother. Tide and market come and go and so shall endowments.


(image source:www.shoebuyblog.com)

32 comments:

StLuther said...

Best piece I've read in a long time now...Keep it up dear...

sumaila umaisha said...

Great...biting... you will win a prize some day. mark my words

nonyerem chinkwe chinks said...

A little piece of the....Ucheoma I've always known in each Line.
Gud work keep it up

Basil Agwu said...

Quite a list, hope sm of us can be able to meet the requirements....

Uche Omar said...

Thanks StLuther

Uche Omar said...

Amen!
Thanks for that foretelling.
I will remember when the prize comes.

Uche Omar said...

Thanks dear

Uche Omar said...

Don't be afraid, at least u have something to work on now before the time comes!(winks)

Enyemaka said...

Beautiful piece;very well written.

Anonymous said...

Smh,u cannot make a good housewife in future,though some of your points are cool,but you emphasized too much on money,love of money will make you choose wrongly,I'm living peacefully wt my gf here in UK but she just condemned dis article,called it a bad lesson to single ladies.

Uche Omar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Uche Omar said...

This piece was written light-heartedly.we all must not agree with a notion.

But thanks a million for reading

Uche Omar said...

Thanks dear,you have been so encouraging.

Betse - Irene said...

had a laugh reading it. lovely piece. u'r gooood

Uche Omar said...

Thanks Ma.

MannyMcDim said...

Uche!not every reader is aesthetic(about the reader from uk),a lil criticism should be encouraged though.I'm a fashion designer(covers my face)and I appreciate every nice piece of art(music,litrature,fashion,cars,houses) that comes my way.keep your head up and your pen down on those blank sheets.it will pay off some day.I enjoyed myself reading your piece

Uche Omar said...

Thanks Manny. I too am an unapologetic lover of the beautiful things of life!
Am glad u enjoyed it.

Anonymous said...

I am falling in love with your writing and..... you! Bravo!

Chijioke Uche said...

What if I choose not to say anything? Wetin go happen?

# smiles, turns and cycles slowly away.

Uche Omar said...

Thanks dear

Uche Omar said...

U just did

Chijioke Uche said...

How possible? Trust me, even if you think I did something, I actually didn't do what I did.

Ebony said...

Hi Ucheoma. I just stumbled on your blog and I have had such a nice time reading your articles. U are such a promising writer and I am certain you will go places. I particularly enjoyed this piece. It is packed with humor and I just luv the , "chop-my-money-mentality"...looool. Keep it up girl. More power to your elbow.

Uche Omar said...

Lol, thanks a million

haddassahreal said...

I so love this piece, got me smiling and grinning to myself all the way. Just like you wrote out my mind...*winks..lolz* Thumbs up! Go girl!

Uche Omar said...

Thanks dear

Ubani-Roberts Francis said...

Hmmm... u got me tripping this time. U keep making me curious... Well am not too surprised, u r highly spirited but pls watch out against pride so His Grace will cont 2 flow through U. God bless U. N Pls can u do more 4 d GOSPEL this time?

Uche Omar said...

Thanks for tripping.

bayo opadeyi said...

Nice (honest?) portrait. Really fun read, thanks!

Uche Omar said...

U are welcome

Uche Grace said...

O boy! This is soul-stirring,a bomb. Keep it up my dear.

Uche Omar said...

Haha! Thanks