LISTEN TO THE FOLLOWING ANNOUCEMENTS


Sister Rose has given birth to a bouncing baby girl and Sister Favor has given birth to a bouncing baby boy. Why did you clap louder when I said bouncing baby boy? See, brethren let me tell you this, Child is Child and it is from the Most High God whether baby boy or baby girl. So I don’t like it when I say baby girl and you just clap, but when I say baby boy you furnish your clapping with whoops and hallelujahs. When I say boy or girl, clap with the same enthusiasm. Let’s not be like the people of this world. So I said that to draw your attention. I can no more ignore such attitudes. We are not of the world.

‘Peculiar Women’, you are the group in the house this week. Last week you were the group in the house but you did such shoddy job I have to call you back this week. You women did not do anything at all, at all. You were supposed to clean the premises: pull out the weeds growing through the pavement cracks, arrange the seats and wipe dust off them on Saturday morning in preparation for today’s service. But you didn’t… you didn’t!  Where is your leader? Sister Veronica, you have to assemble your team again and get them to do their work. This is the Lord’s house; we must treat it as such. You cannot treat it anyhow, anyhow….

The ushers brought it to my notice that some of you give them a hard time at their work, that some of you are in the habit of making trouble with them. They ask you to sit here and you refuse. That’s not Christ-like. When you come here, swallow your pride, all of it, and allow yourselves to be properly guided. We know most of you here are well-to-do and the others are still coming up the social radar, but when we gather here, we all become members of the body of Christ. You learn to play second fiddle. God is no respecter of persons. You must conduct yourselves properly; this is the house of God.

Brother Tobechi and Sister Edith would be getting married on the 17th of this month… put your hands together for them. Wow! I am so excited!  Oh Boy! Where is Bro Tobechi…? Alright, and Sister Edith….Oh lovely. Can the two of you step forward please so that everyone would have a better look and stop craning their necks …? Good. Brother Tobe is a very dedicated member and has been with us for the past five years. You all know him. He has served the Lord in the music department, playing the drums and the piano. I call him, My Son of Consolation. In all the drummers that I have had these years, he has stirred my heart most because of his commitment. Yes, you are free to clap. I remember the first day he came here and immediately he joined the music department and has been there all these years. Sister Edith, you are in safe hands. My son, Tobe, is a humble man and would surely take care of you. Haha, she’s shy. Alright go back to your seats. Clap for them as they do that.
I wish many of you young men will imitate Tobe and stop this your gallivanting. Stop parading these sisters for years and yet you will not marry them after you have blocked the road for possible suitors. Every Sunday, I see you guys, you think I don’t see you, well you got it wrong.  Four, five years and you people are still gallivanting and fraternizing, no, it is not funny, don’t laugh. You don’t know you are causing the devil to tempt you with these prolonged engagements, giving him a foothold in your life. If you are not ready, leave the woman alone. Don’t tell me, Pastor, I want to taste and see.… And those of you praying for life partners do not sweat it. In due time, the Lord will surprise you (!). I said the Lord will surprise you (!).

Next week Friday is our ministry’s all night meeting, from 9.00pm till the crack of dawn. Endeavor to attend. Now many of you dread these all night meetings. That is not good. With these happenings around us, there are some nights we need to forgo sleep and make intercessions.  Look at this brother… Brother please stand up. Can you see him? Good. Look at his broad chest, an obvious testimony that he spends amble time at the gymnasium. Judging from his looks, you have to be extra careful not to get into a fistfight with him lest he topples you and makes mincemeat of you. Sit down brother. Thanks. That is how your inner man will be when you pray often. All these small, small devils would not be harassing you anyhow, anyhow- in your academics, your career, your relationships etc, etc. So make out time to attend this upcoming all night meeting. It will surely help you.

Erm, (what was this I wanted to talk about again?). Yes! Next week is JAMB.  Listen up you youngsters. Sit down and read. Leave all these ‘pinging’ and 2go‘ing’. You will end up distracting yourselves. And those of you planning to register at miracle centers, woe betide you! You will so fail! Go and mark my words. What is wrong with children of nowadays that they cannot sit and learn, eh? If you have already registered at a miracle center, better go and take back your money because you will have such a miraculous failure at your miracle center. Ok, keep laughing; you’d say I told you.

Alright, before we close today’s service, is there anyone here, and today is your first time of worshiping with us? Is there anyone, I want to welcome you specially. Wow!  You are all welcome. Give them a round of applause. You are welcome brother, you are welcome sister, and God bless you. Ushers give them that form to fill. Choir, sing for them…. That song was done specially for you. We have lots of goodies for you; don’t be in a hurry to leave. You are only a first timer once. We all came just like you. Ushers lead them out and help them with their forms. Keep clapping for them.
Now can the rest of the congregation arise, let’s close this service. What an awesome time in God’s presence. Tell someone beside you, ‘your week is gonna be great.’ Tell the next person…. At this moment I will call on my beautiful wife to lead us in the closing prayers. Honey step forward…. 
Let’s share the ‘Grace’….
Cheer up brethren… (The Word works).
(image:KBC congregation on 15Apr 2013;
www.conradmbewe.com)

Comments

Anonymous said…
Simply hilarious! Well done!
Uche Omar said…
Thanks for reading